


Can We Borrow Your Bones? (A Thunderman LLC Production)

by anonymousAlchemist



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, THE POWERPOINT!!!, college is weird sometimes, the barest hint of future fitzrain implied, trying to convince your friends dad who is an immortal lich to invest in your assassination plot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 19:42:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26444350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anonymousAlchemist/pseuds/anonymousAlchemist
Summary: "Being ‘The Undying Lord’ isn’t even dad’s day job. So it’s got to be a big problem for them to jump in," Rainer explains.“Wait, what’s his day job?”“Taking down other necromancers for the Raven Queen.”Fitzroy stares at her. Rainer stares back.“You’re fucking with me,” Fitzroy says.“I am one hundred percent not fucking with you,” Rainer says.(Or, asking your friend's dad if you can borrow their undead skeleton army, please, we need it for reasons.)
Comments: 242
Kudos: 698





	1. So your friend's dad is a lich

**Author's Note:**

> its me im back bitches. this fic is complete, it will update every few days. stay tuned for a MULTIMEDIA EXPERIENCE.

"The thing you have to remember is that Mom's the one you’ve got to worry about," Rainer says, leaning over to open one of the compartments of her chair. 

"But isn't your  _ dad _ , you know... the Undying Lord? A necromancer lich from before the dawn of time? Has legions of the undead at his command? Whole undead army?" Fitzroy says, because he's never heard of a conversation he can't put his foot in. Rainer doesn't know what she sees in him. 

"You cannot just ask somevone about their father being... a necromancer god-king," the Firbolg says. "Eet is not... polite."

"No, Dad's really nice!" Rainer insists, still rummaging around in the compartment. It's always funny to hear about her dad's reputation, when Dad's mostly just  _ Dad  _ to her. Yeah, sometimes he's a disembodied soul dripping black ichor from a red cloak, his eyes electric-bright and the shadow of his skull barely discernible, but that's still just her dad. He wears jeans to formal events. 

"Er," Argo says. "Nice he might be, but he  _ is _ one of the most powerful necromancers on Nua. The most powerful one, maybe? "

"Oh, he’s definitely the most powerful," Rainer says, cheerful. "They did rankings in  _ Villains Monthly _ and Dad came out tops for necromancy. So play nice, guys, and don't be too intimidated."

"Wait, you said your  _ mom  _ was the one to be scared of," Fitzroy cuts in. 

Rainer grins, untwisting herself up from the compartment. "Oh yeah, Mom's great. She likes to joke that she's Dad's undying army."

"Is she?"

"No, technically his undying army is his ability to raise legions of the dead on command."

"Ve may be fucked," the Firbolg says, thoughtfully, and Rainer laughs. 

"I told you, Dad's nice! Mom's also nice, mostly, but I think she’s still at work. Hopefully she’s still at work. My parents were really excited about me bringing friends home, so get ready for that," Rainer says. She’s not totally crazy about bringing the guys home, if she’s being honest. Not that they’re not great, and her parents are usually  _ pretty  _ cool, but there’s just something weird about merging her school life with her home life. But a potential war is enough where she’d be the asshole to refuse Fitzroy’s request. 

Rainer holds a small, beautifully detailed knife out in front of her. "Now, stand back."

The boys jump back. She cuts a hole in space with the knife, trailing pink and gold sparks behind her. "Alright, let's go," she says, and glides through the portal she just opened. 

# 

The portal opens onto a wide lawn of black grass, overshadowed by a house that would be more accurately described as a "castle made of obsidian and bone," which isn't doing any favors for Fitzroy's blood pressure. It's a fortress. It looks like a stronghold. It... kind of looks like the castle that was presumably Grey’s, off in the distance of hell. 

Well, that's an upsetting thought. 

"C’mon," Rainer says, before Fitzroy can speak, and glides across the thick black grass, leaving Thunderman LLC to scramble after her. 

"What was that knife?" Argo says, because he's a sneaky sneak who fights with knives. Fitzroy means that in a nice way.

"It casts a modified planar shift." Rainer slows her chair and holds the knife out so Argo can take a look. Fitzroy peers over her shoulder to glance at it. The knife is, for lack of a better word,  _ pretty. _ It's the sort of thing Fitroy might use as a broach for his cloak, except for the little skulls tucked among the roses on the hilt. 

"Gift from an admirer?" he asks, and wow, no idea where that came from. 

Rainer laughs. Her face reddens, a little. "No! My uncle gave it to me when I was like, five. It just opens portals to my parents house. It’s supposed to be for emergencies." 

"Cool," Fitzroy says, lamely. 

The grass ends abruptly at a driveway, wedged up against the back of the house and arcing away into the distance. The back of the house has three garage doors, which are totally ordinary looking and totally incongruous against the glassy black brick. 

Rainer rummages around in one of her chair compartments again. "The house is warded against non-family," she explains. "Otherwise we would have portaled into the living room, so instead we're going through the garage. But now you guys can see the spaceship!"

"Space. Ship?" Firbolg says, and Rainer presses the remote that she's pulled out of the arm compartment. One of the three garage doors opens, and yep. That's a spaceship! Gleaming silver siding and portholes and what looks like a really fucked up engine, like nothing Fitz has ever seen before. It looks alien as all hell. 

Rainer's family has a spaceship in their garage. Cool and normal! Very cool, very normal. "Cool and normal," Fitroy says out loud and not in his head, which is a very cool and normal thing to do. 

"Thanks," Rainer says, laughing as she leads them past the spaceship and the other non-spaceship vehicles next to it. 

"Does it... handle like a normal ship?" Argo asks, glancing what he thinks is surreptitiously at the ship as they walk by. He looks like he can’t wait to get his hands on it.

"I dunno, it's mostly an antique piece," Rainer says, shrugging. "They've had it  _ forever _ . Since before I was born. You could ask Dad, I guess."

"Ask the Undying Lord about ze space ship in his garage," Firbolg says. 

"Well, you're already here to ask him about helping out with a sham war that a demon prince has ordered you to start," Rainer says. "This can't be worse than that. Honestly, it's like you're more scared of my dad than the  _ demon prince _ . It’s cool! He’s my dad."

"Well yeah, he's your  _ dad _ ," Fitzroy says. "So, you know. Gotta make a good impression? Like, we can just say  _ whatever  _ to Fauxronymous, as long as we're not afraid of getting blasted, but you know, these are your parents, and we're in their house, and..." Fitzroy trails off. 

"We gotta be cool," he continues firmly. "Cool and professional."

"Thunderman LLC is a very professional organization," Firbolg agrees. "Ve have a... slide deck."

"I'm great with parents," Argo says. "Fitzroy's mom loved me! She even sent me hot mint gum."

"Yeah, when you  _ lied to her  _ to  _ pump her for information _ ," Fitzroy snips. 

Argo waves a hand. "Water under the boat!"

"You guys end up in the weirdest situations," Rainer says. 

"I'm not joking!" Fitzroy says. "He was trying to spy on me by  _ sending a letter to my mom _ !"

"It worked, didn't it?" Argo says. 

Fitzroy doesn't have an answer to that, because it did work. But it's terribly stupid. And his mom had sent him a letter about how she was happy he was making more friends at Wiggenstaff's, which was embarrassing. Fitzroy's  _ twenty _ , he really doesn't need his mom sending him letters about his  _ social life. _

"Anyway, are we going in or not?" he says. "Not that I don't love the spaceship, Rainer."

"We're going," Rainer says cheerfully, and slides up the ramp to the door out of the garage. She opens the door, which clicks as if there's a lot of complicated machinery and spellwork in the lock. She leads Fitz, Argo and Firbolg into a short hallway lined with coat hooks and shoe racks. It's reassuringly domestic and totally counter to the exterior of the fortress. The walls are cream with lilac trim. And there are some  _ very  _ nice cloaks hanging on the wall, Fitzroy specifically notices as they pass. 

"I'm home!" Rainer calls. 

"Ah—" a voice exclaims, followed by the sound of something wet falling, followed by "Hi honey, welcome home," all called from an adjoining room. 

"Are you in the kitch—" Rainer begins to ask, stopping as they turn the corner into a spacious kitchen. She starts giggling. "Oh no! Did I spook you into dropping that?" 

"We thought you weren't coming until later," says a middle-aged looking man standing next to the counter, looking forlornly at his mage hand wiping up half a bagel covered in cream cheese from the floor. "Gave me a startle, kiddo."

"We portaled here!" Rainer says, zooming over to him. Fitzroy stares. 

The guy is... painfully average looking. He's got chunky glasses. He's wearing threadbare jeans. He's wearing a threadbare shirt that says I.P.R.E. SOCCER TOURNAMENT 7251. He looks up from cleaning up his sad bagel mess and smiles at Rainer, leaning over to give her a hug. 

He's not wearing  _ any black _ . 

" _ You're _ the Undying Lord?" Fitzroy says. 

The Undying Lord who is also Rainer's dad glances at him, releasing Rainer from the hug. "Oh, you kids can call me Barry," he says. "Since you're not here for work."

"Well, we're sort of here for work?" Fitzroy says. "We're here about a  _ war _ . I don't know how much Rainer told you... Look, I'm sorry. Are you  _ sure  _ you're the Undying Lord?"

Barry kind of snorts a little, and then magically pulls over a chair with a wave of his hand. It stops just behind his knees. "Well, if you say you're here for work—"

"Dad, don't scare–"

Barry's eyes roll back in his head as his body falls into the chair, which would be concerning except most of Fitzroy's attention is focused on the specter blooming from black smoke seeping out of Barry's mouth, coalescing into a red, hooded figure looming above them. 

It's cloak floats gently, as if moved by an unseen wind. Its hood is raised, and when the specter holds his head up, the darkness underneath reveals the barest hint of a gleaming skull. Red sparks dance in the eyeholes. It’s the sort of corporeal lich that gets written about in textbooks, the sort of specter that exists not as a part of the world, but as a hole in it, as if reality is growing thin. 

"WHAT DO YOU ASK OF THE UNDYING LORD?" The specter's voice is different from the one that came from Barry's mouth. It reverberates as if being emanated from the very air around them. 

"Okay, never mind everything I just said, you're definitely the Undying Lord, very sorry to doubt you, Mr. Undying Lord Sir," Fitzroy says, all in a rush. 

"I think I just shit my pants," Argo says faintly. 

"Ve have... a powerpoint," says Firbolg. 

"Dad!" Rainer says, crossing her arms. "You said you were going to be cool!"

The Undying Lord makes a shrugging gesture, which reveals his skeletal hands, which is totally not creepy at all—just kidding, Fitzroy hates everything right now. 

"THEY WANTED TO SEE,” Barry says. 

" _ Dad, _ " Rainer says again. "This is why I never brought friends home in high school!"

The Undying Lord kind of… slumps, and the specter begins to dissipate into a fine mist that swirls back into Barry's body.

"Well, I hate this," Fitzroy says. "This is worse than the squirrels."

"Zo... is that a yes on the powerpoint?" Firbolg says. 

The mist finishes swirling back into Barry’s body. Fitzroy hates watching this. Barry gives a great shuddering gasp and spasms, blinking and looking just as alive as he did two minutes ago. 

"Yeah, you guys can show me your powerpoint," he says. 

# 

Barry shows the kids—technically they’re all adults, but when you’re as old as Barry is, everyone’s a kid—into the den so the kids can set up their presentation. Barry’s not exactly sure what this is about—Rainer told him her friends needed help with something, but had been pretty sparing about the details. He’d kind of expected some sort of class project, maybe an interview about Villain career paths—something easy. 

The boys are across the room, looking like they’re in a small argument about where to set up the projector stone. He doesn’t know a lot about them—he likes knowing about Rainer’s friends, but she’s not under any real obligation to tell him or Lup about them. And she’s in  _ college  _ and she doesn’t appreciate them hovering. So this is the first time he’s being introduced to Thunderman LLC, but he can put the pieces together between what she’s mentioned before and what he’s seeing now. 

So he knows: these are the guys who started last year, and Fitzroy (tall guy in the cloak) transferred into the Villain track, which Rainer was very excited about, and Argo (guy with the mustache that reminds him of Davenport) and Firbolg (nameless  _ very  _ big guy) are in the sidekick track, working with him, and that they have some sort of startup. 

Also, he knows that Rainer borrowed the crepe machine from home for Fitzroy, so Barry’s going to be watching that guy like a hawk. 

Currently, Fitzroy is gesturing wildly at the stone, then back at Firbolg. Argo is holding up a second stone. Firbolg is loudly saying something about “optimal presentation methodology.” 

This all feels weirdly familiar, but Barry can’t quite put his finger on why. 

“What’s this all about, anyway?” he asks Rainer quietly. 

“The school’s been taken over by a prince of hell and he wants to start a war,” Rainer says. “Also, reality might be broken?” 

“What,” Barry says. Rainer smiles, and that’s her  _ guilty _ smile—that’s the smile his daughter uses when she’s trying to get away with something. She looks exactly like her mom like that, never mind what people say about adoption, nurture clearly won over nature with their kid. 

“I know, I probably should have told you before. But, in my defense, anyone could have been listening at school, and also, I didn’t know about this until last week. Surprise!” 

“When you said your friends needed help, I thought it would be something like, a class project,” Barry says, and can already feel himself losing the argument. 

“Well, it’s  _ sort  _ of a class project,” Rainer says. “In that they’re doing this instead of going to class.” 

Barry raises his eyebrows. He looks at Rainer, and looks at the boys, and looks back at his lovely daughter who has brought three college boys into his home to ask him about starting a war. 

“I’m… going to go get your mom,” Barry says. 

Rainer pouts. Chalk that under: things that worked when she was five that he has to pretend don’t work now. “Lup should know about potential hell wars, kiddo,” he says, and then raises his voice a little and calls over to the boys. “Don’t break anything while I’m gone.” 

The boys freeze. Wow, Barry must have spooked them good. He waves at them, gives Rainer a pat on the shoulder, and walks out. 

# 

The moment Rainer’s dad leaves, Fitzroy makes a beeline for Rainer, tossing the stone at the Firbolg. “Figure the video thing out, I’m going to go interrogate Rainer about her dad.” 

“Don’t be weird about it!” Argo says, as if he has any room to talk, mister secret society sending letters to people’s moms.

“I’m never weird about it!” Fitzroy calls back, walking over to Rainer. 

“No, you’re pretty weird about it,” Rainer says. “What are we talking about?” 

Fitzroy sits down on one of the very comfy looking chairs that line the room. It’s a nice room, lined with bookshelves and with a black glass screen on one of the walls for projecting media. It still doesn’t really look like somewhere a guy called “The Undying Lord” lives, but it looks like somewhere Rainer could have grown up. It’s comfy. There’s a clear break in the couches that looks just the right size for Rainer’s chair. 

She scoots over so her chair is next to his. 

“Rainer, I think you’ve neglected to tell us enough about your parents, considering we  _ are _ trying to get their help with a whole war situation,” Fitzroy says. “Also, where’d he go?” 

“He went to get Mom,” Rainer says. 

“Oh shit.” 

“Yeah, I  _ might _ have neglected to tell him about the whole… demon prince thing? Or Chaos? Or the assassination? Since I didn’t want the Garys at school listening. So now he’s getting Mom.” 

Fitzroy nods. “Well. Okay. Not great! But salvageable. Alright. Question for you, Rainer:  _ how  _ do we convince your dad to let us borrow his skeletal armies for like, a hot sec? What’s our angle here?” 

Rainer frowns. “Well, don’t say it like that, first of all. And you’ve got to convince Mom, not Dad. Because Dad caves to Mom  _ super _ easy.” 

She drums her fingers on the arm of her chair thoughtfully. Fitzroy tries not to fidget, and also tries not to stare at her. He watches the rest of Thunderman LLC set up the projection stone instead. It’s funny who you end up friends with. He hadn’t expected his roommates to be his best friends and comrades in arms, but here they are. Trying to convince Nua’s scariest villain to back them in a faux war against a demon prince from another plane. No big deal. 

Rainer finally shrugs. “I think you should just tell them the truth.” 

Fitzroy blinks. “Just put it all out there?” 

“Yeah, like, Mom likes heroes. Old fashioned heroes, like the stuff Hieronymous and Higglemas did, way back in the day. Mom and Dad give a shit, you know? Like, Dad’s been a villain for a couple centuries but he’s not a  _ bad guy _ , you know? And he and Mom used to do crazy adventurer stuff, way before Nua even existed.” 

“Shit, they’re  _ that _ old?” Fitzroy asks. Nua is at least two thousand years old, the result of a magical war that reshaped the continents into a single mass. 

Rainer nods solemnly. “ _ Way  _ old. Like, ancient. And being ‘The Undying Lord’ isn’t even dad’s day job. So it’s got to be a big problem for them to jump in.” 

“Wait, what’s his day job?” 

“Taking down other necromancers for the Raven Queen.” 

Fitzroy stares at her. Rainer stares back. 

“You’re fucking with me,” Fitzroy says. 

“I am one hundred percent not fucking with you,” Rainer says. 

“Okay,” Fitzroy says. “Cool, cool, cool. We’re talking goddesses now, huh? Boy, you really know how to bury the lead, don’t you?” 

Rainer laughs, and it’s more nervous than amused. “Sorry! I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. It’s just really hard to explain family stuff sometimes, you know?” 

Fitzroy remembers waving as his dad would drive away, the long stretches of time that were just him and his mom at home. The shabby caravan cart driving him to Clyde Nite’s Night Knight School, contrasted to the carriages that his fellow students pulled up in. Driving himself to Wiggenstaff’s, turning down his dad’s offer of a ride. 

“Yeah, I get that,” Fitzroy says. “Well, do you mind looking over our powerpoint before your parents get back? We may need to make some tweaks.” 

# 

Lup’s in the middle of striking the fear of the gods and also of Lup into some two-bit necromancer hopefuls who thought that human sacrifice would be a good way to bottle immortality, and instead found that it was a great way to attract the attention of the Raven Queen’s reapers, when the sound of a portal tearing behind her catches her attention. 

“Krav, I told you I had it handled. Did you finish the guys on the other side early or—“ 

“Not Kravitz,” Barry says, and Lup whirls around to smile at her husband, fly over to him, and give him a kiss that he happily returns. 

“Barry! I thought you were waiting for Rainer? Did something happen?” 

Out of the corner of her eye, Lup notices one of the necromancy dumbasses twitch a little, and she summons a length of spectral black rope to coil around him. 

Barry makes kind of an “ehh” wavy motion with his hand. “Not  _ really _ , but they got home early, and turns out one of the friends she brought is the boy she stole the crepe machine for, and also there might be an interplanar conflict with a demon prince?” 

Lup nearly drops her scythe. “Wait. Crepe boy? Crepe boy, the one that Rainer likes?” 

Lup has heard a lot about crepe boy. Crepe boy has: a fancy accent worse than Kravitz’s, a deep, slightly weird love of crepes, a fear of the cute squirrel skeletons that Rainer keeps around, inconsistent but powerful magic, and very nice taste in cloaks. Rainer talks a lot about crepe boy. 

Lup is  _ so fucking curious  _ about crepe boy. 

“Yes, but did you hear me say the part about the demon prince?” 

“Yeah, sure that’s important, I heard you, babe, but first of all: crepe boy? Rainer brought crepe boy home?” 

“Yes, Rainer brought crepe boy home,” Barry says. “But did I mention that crepe boy said that reality might be broken? War?” 

Lup waves a hand dismissively. “Kids these days. They think reality’s breaking all the time. They haven’t even  _ seen  _ reality break.” 

“Lup,” Barry says, and she grins and gives him another kiss. 

“I’m taking it seriously, I promise! You came because you wanted backup, right?” 

“Our daughter brought three college boys home to show me their powerpoint,” Barry says. “ _ Please. _ ” 

“You big baby,” she says affectionately, and then pokes her stone of farspeech. 

“Hello?” Kravitz says, above the sounds of birds cawing, someone screaming. He sounds slightly stressed. 

“Me and Barry gotta go do some parent stuff, canyouhandletherestofthisbye!” Lup says, and hangs up before Kravitz can say anything else. She smiles at Barry. “Let’s go interrogate our daughter’s friends.”

# 

Rainer’s pretending she’s not nervous. The guys seem pretty twitchy, and she doesn’t want to psyche them out more than she already has. But she’s not looking forward to her mom’s interrogation, and she  _ knows  _ there’s going to be an interrogation. 

Not that she doesn’t love her mom. Mom’s great! But Rainer  _ did _ head home early because she knew Mom would probably be out, because while her dad can be cool about things, her mom has never been cool about anything ever. 

She’s pretty sure it’s genetic. Her uncle is even more high strung, not that she’ll ever tell him that to his face. Sometimes Rainer’s glad she missed out on the Taaco genes. 

“Alright, how’s the focus?” Argo calls over from the projector stone setup. “Look okay from over there, Rainer?” 

“It’s good!” Rainer calls. “Super professional.” 

“I still don’t know why we’re doing a slide deck,” Fitzroy says. “Couldn’t we just have… told them? Like normal? Just sat down with them and said ‘hey we need your help with some stuff?’” 

“Visual aids are an eemportant part of a successful pitch,” Firbolg says. “Ve are showing them the powerpoint!” 

“Alright big guy, just  _ asking _ ,” Fitzroy says, and then pauses and frowns thoughtfully. “We should probably tell them about the Godscar Chasm, right? Since we mentioned the reality breaking thing?” 

“Eet is not in the powerpoint,” Firbolg says firmly. 

“Well, we can just tell them after,” Argo says. “No big deal.” 

“Yeah, don’t worry about it,” Rainer says. “It’ll go fine.” 

# 

Lup really did mean to ask the boys about themselves the minute she walked into the den, but all her plans are blindsided when she walks in and sees: 

“Oh, this is going to be good,” she says, and sits down in a chair. 


	2. THE POWERPOINT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THE POWERPOINT.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very much suggest you view this in browser, not on your phone <3 
> 
> HUGE THANKS to marywhal for doing the image descriptions!!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let the firbolg know how you liked his presentation by leaving a comment


	3. no really, CAN we borrow your bones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ZIS IS ZE END OF ZE POWERPOINT!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> look, nothing's gonna live up to the powerpoint, but i hope this lives up to the expectations in your hearts and souls. 
> 
> also i loved how many of you pledged your skeletal armies to THUNDERMAN LLC's cause. genuinely made me grin irl. [firbolg will remember this] 
> 
> Thank you for reading!

“Zis is the end of the powerpoint,” the Firbolg announces. “Ze slide deck is finished! Also ve did not put zis in ze powerpoint, but the Godscar Chasm is a blight on the ze earth that has only appeared recently, according to Higglemas Wiggenstaff!” 

Rainer’s mom claps enthusiastically. Fitzroy isn’t sure if this is sarcastic or not. It might be sarcastic? Fitzroy doesn’t know enough about Rainer’s mom “call me Lup” to tell. He’d had to hide his surprise when she walked into the room, because she didn’t look like anyone’s mom. She looked like she had just walked in from decimating a battlefield. 

Then she snapped her fingers and her red cloak was replaced with a pink sweater, and okay, that’s a little more plausible. 

“Wow. Okay,” Barry says. “You know, that seems like something that should have been in the powerpoint.” 

“I told you we should have put it in the powerpoint,” Fitzroy hisses at Argo, who does an exaggerated “not my fault!” gesture. Fitzroy turns theatrically back to Rainer’s parents.

“So… yeah. That’s our pitch! We’re trying to stop a war by pretending to start a war, and your help would be, as they say, super helpful with that.” 

“Can we go back to the Chaos thing? And the Godscar chasm thing?” Barry says. 

“That’s really all we know about the Godscar Chasm thing,” Fitzroy admits. “We haven’t had the chance to really investigate that further, what with… the demon prince situation.” 

“Yeah, the demon prince situation really does seem like a whole thing,” Lup says. “I’ve got some preliminary questions, though.” 

“Shoot,” Fitroy says. 

“Mom, don’t—” 

Lup leans forward. “Are you the guy Rainer stole the crepe machine for?” 

Fitzroy blinks in surprise. “Rainer stole the crepe machine?” 

“I didn’t steal the crepe machine!” Rainer exclaims. “I  _ temporarily borrowed it _ .” 

“That’s pretty cool of you, stealing a crepe machine,” Fitzroy says. “No wonder you’re in the villain track. You know, it almost makes up for the squirrel skeletons.” 

“Hm,” Lup says, squinting and giving Fitzroy a weird look. “Yeah, I see it.” 

Fitzroy has no idea what she’s talking about. 

“Can we go back to the powerpoint, please,” Rainer says, clapping her hands together and smiling a little manic. “Dad, you said you had questions?” 

Barry nods. “Yeah, I did. So is Chaos… a god?” 

“Maybe?” Fitzroy says. “You know, it was really unclear.” 

Barry glances at Lup. “Maybe worth checking in with the boss?” 

Lup nods. “Definitely. Maybe Istus as well, because you know, fate, chaos, she might know something about that.” 

“The fact that you’re on first name bases with multiple goddesses isn’t alarming at all,” Fitzroy says. 

“We can’t really say anything about that, Fitz, Chaos did that dream thing to us,” Argo says. “Kinda hypocritical.” 

“I do not think zat really counted as first name bases, as much as it did… threatening,” Firbolg says. 

“Wait, they’re threatening you?” Lup says. 

“Well, they’re not  _ not  _ threatening us. And Grey’s  _ definitely  _ threatening us.” Fitzroy says. “But hey. You guys can help! Can we  _ please  _ borrow your skeleton army for like… a couple of days? Maybe an afternoon?” 

Barry frowns a little. He looks at Lup. Lup looks back at him. It’s like they’re having a silent conversation. Fitzroy’s palms are getting sweaty. Barry looks back at him. 

“No,” he says slowly. “Great powerpoint—cannot stress enough,  _ great _ powerpoint– but I can’t let you borrow it. Well, technically, I  _ could _ let you borrow them, but it would cause bigger problems than it would solve.” 

Fitzroy’s heart falls. 

“We’re not even going to use the skeleton army!” Argo says. “Can’t we just, you know, borrow it and make them shake their swords around?” 

Barry shakes his head. “Nope, can’t. If this were a couple of millennia ago, then sure. But right now? Um, well, getting us involved is a one shot stop to escalating the situation.” 

He pauses. Asses their faces, and sighs. Great. Now Rainer’s dad thinks that they’re pathetic. “Look, what I’m saying doesn’t leave the room, okay?” Barry says. 

Fitzroy nods. 

“The whole Undying Lord thing started because of a disagreement with the homeowner’s association around here, about two hundred years ago.” 

“Ze homeowner’s association,” the Firbolg says, flatly. 

“Yeah, they were getting on our case about the color of our mailbox, and it became a whole big  _ thing _ , and they didn’t want me to build an extension on the house for the lab, and then it kind of… escalated. And then! People started knowing I was a necromancer, and then I got a  _ reputation _ , and then my boss called me in for doing necromancy again and I couldn’t do that if I was an emissary of the Raven Queen, and then  _ that  _ escalated, and then I persuaded her with the logic that if  _ I’m  _ the biggest baddest necromancer around, then no one  _ else  _ is.” 

“I’m pretty sure she only agreed cause she thought you were funny,” Lup says. Barry shrugs. 

“Well it worked! The catch is, the moment I use the skeleton armies for more than show, I end up in ghost jail, unless Kravitz intervenes on my behalf.” 

“Momma’s boy,” Lup says quietly, and then continues in a normal tone of voice. “Yeah, we’re kinda sorta what you’d call government employees. We’re authorized to cover death crimes, but the moment we get involved in normal hero shit? All bets are off, and we’ve got the Raven Queen coming after our ass.”

“But Rainer said you guys used to do hero stuff all the time,” Argo says. 

“Two thousand years ago,” Lup says. 

“Mom, just last week you and Uncle Taako went to the dungeon nea—” 

“ _ Two thousand years ago _ ,” Lup says, louder. 

“Mom, just cause you’re  _ saying it louder  _ doesn’t—” 

Fitzroy’s adopted and discarded a lot of opinions of Rainer’s parents, over the past few hours. Intimidation, incredulity, confusion. They don’t seem like bad people. They seem like good parents. They seem more hands-on than his parents, that’s for sure, but. They sit here, in their stupid black castle, telling them that they can’t use the army because of  _ bureaucracy?  _ Fitzroy can feel the magic that rises to his fingers when he gets angry coalescing. He’s going to blow something up if he doesn’t say something. 

“Look, I’m sorry, but this sounds like bullshit,” Fitzroy says. 

Silence. Everyone looks at him. 

“Scuse my French, but this sounds like you… maybe don’t give a shit? Maybe you don’t give a shit about Nua? Maybe you’ve got the benefits of being  _ immortal,  _ but the rest of us, the rest of the population? We don’t have that luxury.”

“What did you say?” Lup says, suddenly cold where she was teasing.

“I  _ said  _ that there are things that matter more than the  _ rules _ ,” Fitzroy continues, because he’s terrified, but the only way out is through. “I don’t care if you’re retired or whatever. It’s not even like we’re asking you guys to put your lives on the line—we’re just asking to borrow your stupid skeletons!” 

“What about you?” Lup asks, curt and sharp. “Why is this your problem? Why do you, a bunch of students at  _ theater school _ , care about stopping a war? Why should  _ we  _ trust you?” 

“Because we’re the only goddamn ones doing anything! Did you not see the powerpoint? There is a  _ demon prince  _ who wants to wage war on Nua, and there is some sort of chaos entity powering him, and powering me, and we’ve got a plan to nip all of that at the bud, but we could really use your help! I mean, we’re going to assassinate a  _ demon prince _ , and it’s not like we’ve ever assassinated anyone—definitely not a magic demon guy who almost killed us like, five times! That’s terrifying!” 

Fitzroy takes a deep breath. “We want your help, because we’re trying to save lives, and the best way to do that is by pretending to have a war, and using combatants that aren’t like… made of meat. We’re trying to minimize casualties, okay? We’re putting our lives on the line here. The least you could do is take us seriously.” 

He’s breathing heavily. He bets his cheeks are red. Damn. He’s probably fucked this whole thing up. 

And then Lup grins. 

“We’ve died for the multiverse more times than you can imagine, don’t go getting a swelled head, crepe boy,” she says, except the tone of her voice has turned weirdly warm. As if she approves of what he’s said. 

She looks at her husband. “I think I’ve heard enough of the pitch, how about you?” 

Barry shrugs, and makes a face. “Eh, what’s the worst that could happen?” 

Lup looks back at him, sweeps her gaze over the three of them. “So, of  _ course  _ the three of you are staying for dinner, you’ve come  _ all  _ this way—” 

“What just happened?” Fitzroy murmurs to Argo. 

“—but me and Barry have to get back to work, so Rainer, babe, after dinner, be a good host to your friends and take them back to school  _ without _ walking through the lab that contains the wand and instructions for controlling the undead army, definitely  _ do not _ show them where the grimoire is, just portal them back to school without  _ any _ detour, okay, honey?” 

“Yeah, I get it, Mom,” Rainer says, giggling a little. “You didn’t have to lay it on so thick.” 

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Lup says. 

“Think you won ‘em over,” Argo murmurs back to Fitzroy, and claps him on the shoulder. 

# 

“Told you Mom was the one you needed to worry about,” Rainer says, carrying a large black book studded with red gems in her lap. 

“Yes, alright, you don’t need to rub it in,” Fitzroy says, carefully sticking a wand made of human bone in his cloak pocket. 

“Hey, are these all real skulls?” Argo asks, pointing at the row of skulls on the top racks of the lab bookshelves. 

“Yeah, those are all Dad’s,” Rainer says. 

“Wonder where he got so many,” Argo says. Fitzroy shudders a little. There’s at least fifty skulls on the shelves. 

“Oh, no I mean that they’re  _ his  _ skulls. Like, from his skeleton! When his body dies,” Rainer says. 

“Rainer, that’s the creepiest thing I’ve heard all day, we need to go immediately,” Fitzroy says. 

Rainer laughs at him, and turns to leave the lab. “Oh, if you think that’s bad, I’m pretty sure most of his skeleton army is  _ his  _ skeletons.” 

“Rainer! You can’t make jokes like that! Rainer, you better be joking, you’re just joking, right, Rainer? Rainer!” Fitzroy calls after her with increasing alarm in his voice. 

Rainer doesn’t answer, just keeps gliding away. Fitzroy doesn’t know what he sees in her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ZIS IS ZE END OF ZE FIC!!
> 
> please let me know your thoughts, thots! im sorry i called you guys thots. that wasnt cool of me.

**Author's Note:**

> smash that like and subscribe button, and let me know what you thought! thx babes iz out 
> 
> catch these hands at: [anonymousalchemist.tumblr.com](http://anonymousalchemist.tumblr.com/).


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